How not to be noticed by the average police officer on patrol.
Before I give you the top 10 ways to get yourself noticed by a patrol officer; I would like to clue you in about one major misconception, the public has about what a patrol vehicle is doing when it is on the road. What it is not, is a fellow motorist transporting himself to some job, or a doughnut checker going from one doughnut house to another, but I believe that is what most of the public thinks.
These vehicles are not using the road for the same purpose the rest of us are. They go fast. They go slow. They make those U turns where you can’t go. They go up the wrong way streets and park funny.
In order to put this into perspective it would helpful to think of these vehicles as you would the white blood cells in the immune system of the human body. They cruse around looking for impurities in the body of the host they are there to protect.
Hence the moto “to protect and serve”.
The greatest weapon a police officer has, in this endeavor to erase the impurities in the system, is his or her ability to observe. In this instance observe means, to see, hear, feel, smell, and know by ESP the impurities. A patrol officer that does not hone these skills and pay attention to them is doing a disservice to the public. Too many officers pay no attention to these skills and subscribe to the do the minimum and get the maximum philosophy. I write about this syndrome in my book A View from the Street / River City Policing, coming out this winter.
OK! Now that I think your head is right, we can discuss the ten ways to avoid getting noticed by the police. #1 don’t give them any help, by getting pissed off at a fellow traveler, who may have got distracted or failed to notice that the king of the universe (You) were around; and cut you off, disrespected you or to some degree caused you some discomfort. If you flip him or her off, retaliate or shoot at them, they will call on their cell phone, everyone has one, and you will get the attention of not just the local car but about every car anywhere near you. There will be several dispatchers and office clerks with computers. Depending on the circumstances there is no limit to the poop that may rain down on you, up to and including a fleet of B1 bombers pissing all over you. Well maybe they won’t go that far. But I wouldn’t count on it. Remember that satchel charge that took down that building in a large city back east a couple decades ago.
That’s the big one. The rest are minor in comparison and the order is debatable; speeding more than about 7 MPH over the limit, one over in a school zone, noise from those big speakers, playing in the snow, burning rubber, driving with both feet out the window, Playing with your phone, putting on makeup, and reading a book with your kid on your lap, or any combination of the above.
Now remember when you see one of these sleek vehicles cruse by you 10 or 15 over the limit, they don’t use the roads the way you do. They are stalking their pray.
Be thankful you read this blog and it wasn’t YOU!
S. Henry Knocker